Obit-

I have only had one relationship. There are surely a number of men who will resent the count, but there has really only been one. And this is not the beginning of a tragic or moral love story. It feels far more like an obituary. And maybe it will be… marking the death of one terror-scarred girl who has grown into a woman without wanting to or meaning to and certainly without her knowing.

Here lies a passionate teacher… passionate only about teaching, a beautiful, smart woman who lived her life for others while refusing their kindness. She died of loneliness imposed entirely of her own making. She walled herself off and guarded her heart with …vigilance and fervor. She lived in constant fear… of what is not entirely clear… and that is part of what killed her. She feared rejection; she feared abandonment and loneliness, but more than that she feared love and all that it brought with it. She feared needing something or someone who wasn’t there. She feared opening herself and then when she was most vulnerable being rejected or unloved. It was not the fear that killed her. It was the wall. As it happened, she had many opportunities to find happiness, comfort and love. She had people, who wanted to be around her and that cared for her, but she held them all at an unbearable distance, and no one could brave the treacherous fortress built up around her heart. And so here she lies. Here she lies having made all her worst fears materialize around her. She will be missed and loved although she lacked the fundamental key to her happiness, knowing and loving herself. Amen.
But what if it didn’t have to be that way?