Valentine’s Day

Happy Saint Valentine’s Day
Where is my green?
All the little kids in the pre-kindergarten were donning green and all morning long I wondered the occasion.
But completely unaware.
My first outfit this morning was green, but in an early morning haze I changed three times settling for orange or some salmon equivalent.
Sorry valentine. Oh, well. We can see how long my haze lasted today. It is after 4pm and I meant Saint Patrick. It is a shame I don’t have an allegiance to either.

People are dying, slowly or all at once.
Strangers and friends, family …
And some day me too.
But neither that nor the irrelevant holiday occupies my thoughts.
I wish a mad love affair or even just a love distraction were the resident of my mind,
But not even that today.

I am tired, lonely (by self-imposed sanctions) hungry for nothing in particular and concerned, deeply concerned for the future of my students.
Not for their safety or comfort in their future lives
Those students have graduated in one way or another already
Either from school, into adulthood or parenthood depending.
No, I worry about the quality of my students.
In the practical sense, I worry about their ability to continue to learn (or start learning what they want) once they are out of school.
In a larger sense, I fear that they will not learn the lessons that are so vital:
Compassion, self-reliance, and responsibility.

I try, in moments like these, to remember myself at this age. I think I may have been an equally hopeless case and for my part may have kept many a teacher up at night (if not just my parents). And I have turned out decent enough, with a few dents and scratches for sure but better for it. And despite all my self-pity and doubt, I am a decent human being. That is all I want for my students.
NO THAT IS NOT TRUE. I want them to be so much more than that. More than decent, better than I am and can be. I want them to discover their capabilities, their best, and effect change in the world. We need people doing their best. Giving their all and caring for each other.
I work with these kids, even though I swore I would never work in a private school… I said I would always work with kids who need it the most. And for what ever reasons I am here, I tell myself that they need it too: my time, my energy, my love and my pushing. And I do it because I believed that these kids would make the difference- that these kids will make the policies to right the wrongs and protect the disenfranchised.
That is why I am here and why I push and assign “too much work”. That is why I work too much and ware myself out.
What do I do if, they don’t? If they don’t care, aren’t compassionate, responsible or self-reliant? If they just get a job, have a baby and worry about getting a little something better for themselves…

I worried like this in college and a wise man (my father) told me that the best way to make the world a better place is simply by being nice to another person… and as much as he was right, and I allowed that to become my philosophy, and relieve the pressure of the world from my bones, I am not sure that is enough…
Doing anything without the basic kindness is not worth doing, but I am not sure it is enough just to be nice to a stranger. I expect more of myself. And in turn, I expect more from my students. I hope that is not unfair, but I am not sure what place “Fair” has in the world anyway… so that is what I expect. Be nice to strangers and expect that you can change the world.