the Idiot-wise

I am retarded in the strictest sense of the word.
Is it possible to be so impeded, so slowed that I could be actually devolving…

I feel that I am getting younger as time goes on. But the reality is that I think I prematurely matured and this resulting equalizing it causing my regression.
While I have recently realized that I am not the same age as my students, I spent the last 5 or 6 years feeling that I was very much in the midst of puberty, not feeling much more than 15; awkward and giggly, shy and at the same time feeling very much like an adult, but still with that sneaking feeling that I might not be.

It was a new sensation; I don’t remember having that feeling in high school. I was certainly a hormonal and social mess, but this was different, like I was finally old enough to be 15 (of course I was a decade older than that). While my students have stayed roughly the same age, I surprisingly, somehow have not… and I wonder how much I have matured in the past years. Is it possible that I am not (or is maturation, like the most potent of realizations, that true maturity is its own antonym)? Now that is sophomoric, the wise idiot… or is it more “moronsophoic”… the Idiot-wise?

Regardless of how I can bend words or ideas, I still feel lost in myself, my perception and how I am viewed. I wonder if somewhere in that mess of perceptions and misconceptions, I am hidden.

Realizing that whether intended or not, feeling asi or not, I am in fact an adult, 15 twice, (quite possibly, against my will). Sadly, now that I am ready to face all the teenage challenges that I was too scared or too wise and mature to fall, I fear that it is no longer appropriate. And the things that I should be doing at this stage of my life, I have no idea how to begin. I feel more like a weasely, awkward teenager than the independent woman others see. And in fact, my students are too sophisticated for their own good too. So maybe we start old, and growing up means realizing how to be the children we escaped from with all our maturity.

So I embrace my adolescence.
Better late than never. Cierto?

“If you liked it you should have put a ring on it”