12:58 am

What happens when you no longer identify with your identity?
Who do you become when you are no longer inspired to be the person you were? When the things that gave you so much joy don’t, or even worse, when they feel like obligations. You are who you are. I am who I am. I am what I do, where I go and how I treat people.
I want to be how I treat myself.
I am afraid I am not who I am- who people see me as. What do you do when your defining character no longer defines you? What do you do?

I hide. I write. I crawl into a quiet, private place under a rock in a cave and focus on very little. Sometimes I focus on work. Sometimes I anesthetize. But I don’t leap.

And I pretend.

I pretend to be over it.
I pretend to be strong.
I pretend to be worldly and independent.
Capable.
I pretend to be her… me…
But I am strong, …
Worldly
Independent
Capable.
I pretend to be more so.
How do I become something else? Someone else?

“No one will judge you.” And she was right, except for one. Me. I will judge me. I identify with my identity so much that it defines me, even now though I don’t recognize it, like I am wearing someone else’s clothes, like I am reading a book about somebody else. I want it to be mine. I want it to be me, like it once was, but it no longer fits and I don’t recognize the words.
And I don’t know what else to do, to be.

And in this moment I am afraid… afraid that what will define me, what will become my new identity my new definition is the walls I have built, I am building, the walls of the cave in which I am hiding. I am the rigid, exterior. I am becoming something else while waiting to mourn the loss of my identity. But she is not me and she is not who I want to become.
“No one will judge you” but me.