i have taken the train and traveled a day... but the journey has transported me much more than that... through time... and culture not only space. i am in a small village with a dear old friend from my previous visit... she is staying here with her grandmother... and i stay with them. in a house with few rooms... no bathroom... and no shower. we walk down the alley to a place... where you pee in a hole. i have done this before... but having just been properly spoiled in shanghai with expensive meals cab rides, manicures, make-overs and coffee shops in malls... and WIRELESS INTERNET... this is a shock. i am more of a spoiled wuss than i thought... maybe i am losing my edge.
and like all family they think the more food... the better... the more food eaten the more i like it... more served the more they like me... so there will be a constant battle... struggle with that... i can tell... grandmother is even more unrelenting than Jhon's mom... and his mom is good... so let the battle begin. i already have a full stomach from lunch. but i am happy to be here...
there have been moments over the last 36 hours that i really questioned what i am doing... thinking rather that i should go back to shanghai and be spoiled... or really just to find a little beach somewhere ... with wireless internet of course... or even with out... and just let the next 90 days drip by.
it is the middle of the night there because it is mid afternoon here... i am in an internet bar and the computers hum that high pitched squeal that only technological things and cicadas can do... the clattering of keys breaks the silence... and since i left my cousins house... he was the last foreign person i saw...i was the only foreigner on the train... and in the city i arrived in and certainly the only one in this town now. i think i might have been the last foreigner here... when i first came to visit 3 years ago.
either way everyone and their mother is looking at me... and not like in Colombia... but like, head out of window ... neck cranked... mouth open... slow drive by... kind of looking.
but i am usually just amused. maybe that is why i was not disturbed... hardly even noticed the staring in Colombia... because, comparatively, it was modest staring... and like we said... Jhon was getting two looks for every one i got. He was really who they were looking at... wondering how i managed to hook such a good looking handsome man. ... that is what they were wondering... gorda and the prince... now it is blondie in the asian sea.
i am feeling the strain of travel and thinking of spending more time in fewer places... moving around less. i forget that i have already been traveling for three months... almost... 3 continents... and i am just at the beginning... if my plans go as they are right now... i won't really be done for another seven months... and i don't know where i will call home after this... so i don't even know if it will be that soon. i really need to pace myself. this change is really hard. the constant culture adjustment... and just being without language... and so OBVIOUSLY out of place. i yearned for a foreign place where english was the native language. that thought amused me this morning as the train rumbled through the darkness grinding on the tracks. if that is what i really think then what the hell am i doing here and why do i keep throwing myself into these adventures? maybe it is not as simple as that. maybe that is just the instant reaction... seeking safety and comfort in the familiar.
and the truth is that some day I might actually have to get another job. Oh the HORROR. Perish the THOUGHT. never. NEVER> NEVER! you can't make me do it. i won't. (that was the typed version of my temper tantrum. You can imagine me kicking and screaming if you want... if that helps bring the moment alive for you.) but it certainly isn't that bad. i am actually aching for the classroom. i have regular email conversations with several former students... they ask me about my travels and chinese culture... i send lengthy emails. that sound like mini lessons. i send photos of things that interest them, like swords and McDonalds menus in chinese... and hello kitty stores... i yearn for the excitement and the reward of working that hard... and the invigoration of really connecting with young people who are still so full of life and hope and cynicism and dreams and frustration and energy that they simply don't know what to do with. i really get something... it is like they recharge my battery for life while draining the blood and essence... what i am trying to learn here ... learn this year... learn in this life, is how to teach well and be that vital person in their lives... without sacrificing myself in the process... if i can learn that.... well then... WOW. i do miss the classroom... and i miss the kids. i know that i have loved my kids... and i know that all kids are amazing... but i still have trouble believing that i can love new kids as much... how is it possible to care more than this...
so for now i will stay in a tiny town in a small house with a small family. i will eat HUGE meals that are meant to represent the amount of love they have for me and i will brush the dust off my sweater at the end of the day. the wind blows relentlessly here... always blows from the side. sweeping up the dust on the street and dropping the dust from the fields at the outer limits of town. So i will brush off the dust... and at the end of the day i will sleep. I will sleep on a bed of hard love. under a blanket of family ties and i will rest my head on a pillow of sand. time will slip past and i will brush off the sand.
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