my new job...

so my new job starts on Tuesday. I will leave the place that i made home... and i will get onto a plane. From there I will risk it all and take a gamble. With my heart open, my eyes open and a drive to explore i will jump into the deep end. I will try a new life.
I have let go of so much in the last month. I have let go of love and the hope of a future there. I have let go of my vision of myself. I have let go of my belongings and my place ... my home... I have let go of the dreams i had been holding so tightly... suffocating. I have let go. now i release what is left into the world to the fates and the wind. i release into the inevitable and release into the pain, the suffering, the glory and the brilliance of life in it's every day occurrences.
I see myself turning into a monster... a version of myself foreign to me- even at odds with myself... but i transform more every day. the monster within... is gentle peaceful and far more of a hippy than i had hoped. i am a stranger to myself and thus often those closest to me are strangers too. I am set loose. i am free. i wander out into the fear ... the distance into the nothingness of anonymity and i search for the essential... i search for the root of me, even if it is not who i intended to be... i may be lost to myself, but i wander to find the essential. that is my new job.