Metaphysical debt.
Have you ever been indebted to someone?
Life changes in an instant. It changes all the time. Everything from there is just a matter of what we do with it. I don’t like change.. I know there is a word for that but I can’t remember it. I am learning to deal. I find that the little changes yield some interesting results…
Breathe
“I hope that some day you will be comfortable with me telling you I love you.”
For a month I rattled on about whatever I thought or felt and I did not hold back because, sadly I didn’t care about him. I knew that he cared for me… and it was unfortunate. For some reason and by mere coincidence we started spending time together, I can’t even remember how. But I told him my fears and my eccentricities… I told him how I, for some reason, was petrified of the idea of being loved. I don’t remember much of what I said during those sessions, and I am not sure if he spoke at all or if he shared with me too… I don’t remember. What I do remember burns like a candle in my brain. After another night of lying in the dark together and pouring my [heart out] we stood in the doorway. The crisp, actually glacial, air burning my skin and the whipping wind pulling at my clothes were silenced by his words: “I hope that some day you will be comfortable with me telling you I love you.”
Although it was over ten years ago, I remember word-for-word the beginning of my relationship with him. It was at that moment I knew he had been listening to me, really listening. And without realizing and certainly not meaning to I had let him know me. I had been real and he liked me. That was the beginning of my only relationship. It lasted for almost three years. But every time I measure it, it gets longer… it may have really only been just over a year. I can’t seem to find an accurate measure.
It was also at that exact moment that our relationship ended, because although I was intoxicated by the thought of him and our “love” our relationship never progressed from its origins. “momma was restin’ since the day we met and it never really went away, our whole life together was a rainy day.” I was the vibrant one. I felt like the sun and he was the plant that needed me. But the sun doesn’t need the plant, even when she wants to need the plant. And so I burned him…
I wanted something to change my orbital path. I wanted something out of a fairytale. I didn’t work for my mom and I watched her suffer with that realization, in their many incarnations, but somehow I thought I was different. I still think I am different. I am still looking for my orbit. Thus far, I determine what, where, when and who. I make the choices and I make the rules. I am not quiet so egomaniacal as to think I really am the center of the universe, but I certainly have not orbited around anyone in a Cosmological decade. At least an Eon. I am not even sure that I want to orbit around anyone else. It is so unnerving and uncontrollable. I feel comfort and power in the strength of my own gravitational pull. To release and be at the mercy of another’s gravitational field… is just so risky. That is why I could have loved that first man then, because he was my moon. I eclipsed him and only my tides were swayed. I fear that I have left a much more lasting mark on him.
Why should I be afraid of that? What is so bad about leaving a mark.. or an impression. What is wrong with being influenced, touched or even wounded by another? I think I fear for others what I fear the most for myself. I fear to he hurt. I fear being someone else’s moon. I want to find a new celestial body a new relation. A mutual orbit. And form an ellipse. Will that ever happen? Can it. I am concerned now both with metaphysics and my own ability to love and to be loved, to release and let the powers of nature work. I want to be a binary star. Want to have and orbit around my companion star.
Interminable
A sun burns brightly and shines on all it sees. It provides light, warmth and life. It is essential. A moon, as far as we know, is dark and lifeless. As far as a comparison, this is entirely unfair, because this is not in fact true about any man. He is a wonderful person and I do care about him, but for the analogy it works.
The moon provides no light. It only reflects the glory of the sun. The moon is miraculous… but I want a binary star.
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